How to Keep a Lover


How to Keep a Lover

Congratulations. You’ve found yourself in a situation that pretty much rules: having a lover. A lover equals obtaining sex on your watch without the baggage of a relationship. This is ideal for a woman playing the field to get her carnal needs met. It can be easy, if you play your cards right. Just remember to K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple, Stupid!).

According to scientific evidence (read: women’s lifestyle magazines, a handful of female friends, and several Internet articles), professional, single women incur an increased sexual desire in their 30s. It makes sense if you think about it. At this point, the majority of women have accepted their bodies, have become more confident (or just don’t give a rat’s ass anymore), and are able to use the gorgeous female form in the way nature intended. On the flip side, according to some, it’s our body’s way of preparing for procreation – being “sexually charged” during this time in life guides women in the direction of making babies. Whoa.

Most importantly, having a lover means you’ll learn a lot about your sexual self in the process. The bonus is having fun stories to tell your girlfriends at happy hour.

The following is a guide that may help when procuring a lover. (Please interchange “him” with “her” as it applies to your situation.) This is not the “bible” of intentional-yet-casual sex, just a few tips to consider on your way to Loverville:


  1. He must be sexy, preferably with an accent, and leaving town in a foreseeable future. English as a second language is ideal. Accents are hot (duh) and the fact that this interaction has an expiration date only makes it more inviting. Time is a tickin’ and so is your libido.
  2. He will ask you out on a date. Accept. This is the “interview” portion. Scope him out and size him up. By the end of the date, you will know if he wins the grand prize of your time. But then…
  3. The beach. The beach is basically foreplay since everyone is semi-naked and getting tanner by the second. And since a chunk of the California population lives relatively close to shore, a quick visit to your house (and shower) isn’t too far off. The beach and bedroom are the preferable areas of recreation.
  4. Do not introduce your lover to friends. What’s the point?
  5. Do not, I repeat, do not take yourself off the market. You are very much in the game and this is a pretty safe way to date. You’re not sleeping around with everyone you go out with, just one person. You just happen to be having your cake and eating it, too. This may sound a bit heartless, and that’s the point. Take your heart out of it. You’ve both agreed on this arrangement so you do not have to feel guilty. You just have to feel satisfied, sexually. Every. Damn. Time. Amen.
  6. Have an extra toothbrush available. This is essential, as morning breath is a gift from the Devil himself to sabotage a good stroll-down-memory-lane from last night’s tryst. Ain’t nobody got time for that.


It’s not all roses. A sacrifice you may make is interruptions in your normal sleep schedule. Your lover may toss and turn at night, and this may piss you off. Just breathe and realize this isn’t going to last forever (he does have a one-way ticket back to wherever he’s from). And that’s pretty much the only downfall I’ve discovered so far.

So please, whatever you do, enjoy yourself and take advantage of the situation. Safely, of course. You never know when this magical set up may happen again. Every girl deserves this kind of experience to write down in her single-life history book. How fun it will be to look back in years to come with a big, gratified smile on your face knowing you were young once and took advantage of your single-gal opportunities.



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